Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Stupid nerves

OK, this is stupid. 
And probably petty. 
But this blog is, generally, about my life post-transplant, and this is what I'm thinking right now. So here we go. 
I'm worried about my upcoming theater audition. 
Not because I'l ill-prepared--I've done everything I need to do. 
I have a resume. 
I have a photo. 
I have a 16 bar piece that I know like the back of my hand, and that I know I sing well. 
So, in theory, I am prepared. 
But--it's an audition and the outcome is really not dependent upon me. 
You know? 
I know a lot of other people trying out, and they are good. They are excellent actors, singers, dancers. I am quite positive that they will be cast. 
As for myself? Not so sure. There are only so many people that can be, y'know. 
And yeah, I've read all the audition stuff about how not getting cast isn't a reflection on talent, yada yada yada.
This is the addictive thing about theater.
When I was doing J&H I talked to my friend Jay about this. He was mentioning that he'd gotten a little bit part as the orderly in Act I, which included some solo lines. But he mentioned he wouldn't mind getting other things to do. 
I called that the "nature of the beast." For example: I was in the chorus, and I was thrilled. But then you want a solo line. Or a bit part. Or something. And if you're not careful that can ruin the whole experience. 
(Eventually we both did get "other things to do"--he and I were in "Alive!" together, I had group lines in "Murder, Murder!", etc.) 

It's so ridiculous, and yet we keep on doing it. 
That's one reason it's tough to get back into auditioning, because it's that whole "what if I don't make it" thing? 
Which, in the context of my life, SHOULD be fairly minor. I mean, come on. Let's get real here. Right?

I get the feeling I'm just rambling. But this is part of the whole post-tx life, I think. You get nervous about things that normal people get nervous about. And then you berate yourself for being nervous about something that's so small, in the context of your life. 

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